White Ink
by sheepish123
Summary: After their distressing conversation in Mandy Fowler's bedroom, Olivia urges Amanda to talk about what happened when she was a teenager. Takes place during "No Good Reason". Amanda/Olivia friendship.
1. Chapter 1

**This story takes place during the season 19 episode "No Good Reason", so please be aware of that if you haven't seen it yet and are trying to avoid spoilers. Noah and Jesse don't exist in this fic, so the whole Sheila plotline does not exist either; I just wanted to concentrate on Amanda's storyline.**

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"Are you okay?"

The question that has just been asked with a concerned softness is not entirely unexpected, although Amanda can't help but wish that her lieutenant hadn't spoken at all, as she is dangerously close to the breaking point; her chin trembling with barely suppressed emotion and a well of tears rising in her eyes. She keeps her face pointed directly at the passenger side window as Olivia drives away from Mandy Fowler's home, not wanting to let on just how close she is to completely shattering to pieces; trying desperately to maintain her composure and act like the tough and unflappable detective that she knows herself to be.

Although there have been plenty of cases in the past that have elicited an emotional response, Amanda can usually keep these feelings buried deeply inside and avoid having them rise to the surface in such a physical way, especially in front of her superior. She blinks rapidly as the stubborn tears hovering upon her lashes refuse to subside and is painfully aware that a minute shaking has taken up residence in her limbs, their newest case hitting her harder than she has anticipated and dredging up distressing and unwanted memories of her past.

"Do you want to talk, Amanda?"

Olivia's tone is low and holds that distinct note of gentle kindness and understanding that she reserves for the most fragile of victims, Amanda's shoulders hunching up toward her ears before she can stop them, as if drawing a protective shell around herself that the older woman will be unable to penetrate. She is too ashamed to admit that she wants nothing more than to spill her deepest and darkest secrets to the compassionate woman sitting in the vehicle next to her; that when Olivia had held Mandy so tenderly in her arms inside the teenager's bedroom, she had wished that the brunette had been holding her instead, so hungry for the empathy and comfort she had never received at that age.

"No, it's okay, Liv. I'm fine."

Amanda is quite proud that her voice doesn't wobble when she speaks, although she still cannot turn away from the window for fear of bursting into tears when she inevitably meets Olivia's penetrating dark gaze; knowing that as much as she wants to throw herself into the taller woman's arms and burst into tears, she just can't allow herself to do so.

They are on the job and have to remain the consummate professionals that they normally are, and despite the fact that they have been getting along much better for the past several months and have become quite a bit closer, Amanda is unsure if they can be considered friends just yet. She has moved far beyond the awestruck-fangirl attitude she had arrived in New York with all those years ago, and the somewhat tense and antagonistic temperament that their working relationship had slowly evolved into afterwards, but her admiration and respect for Olivia has never waned even after all of this time; along with her intense desire for a deeper connection.

Amanda is very well aware that the time to make that possibly deeper connection is certainly not now; not during the middle of the workday while making their way through the heavy city traffic in order to pay Barba a visit, and she swallows hard against the golf ball-sized lump that is rising steadily in her throat when she hears Olivia emit a quiet sigh and listens to the gentle words that follow.

"I don't think you're fine," the older woman replies softly, and when Amanda chances a glance toward her boss, she is gratified to see Olivia staring out the windshield in rapt concentration as she navigates her way through the usual chaos of cars and bicycles and pedestrians on the road. She is still trying as hard as she can to control those ever-present tears that are coming precariously close to spilling down her cheeks, and she knows that one compassionate look from the brunette will most likely result in her undoing; one glimpse of those brown orbs all that it will take for the salty liquid to let loose in an unceasing waterfall of emotion.

"I think this case is hitting a little too close to home for you right now," Olivia continues in that sympathetic tone that has Amanda biting down hard on the inside of her cheek as her tenuous grasp of feigned nonchalance is threatening to snap. "The things you told Mandy when we were in her bedroom...I didn't know about any of that, Amanda. I wasn't aware that you had been through something like that when you were younger, or what the significance of your tattoo was."

"Well, it's not exactly something I like to advertise," Amanda answers dryly, the white ink on her arm suddenly feeling like it is blazing a fiery path right into her skin, as if she has just gotten her name tattooed recently rather than a couple of decades prior. "Being called 'Easy-Ass Amanda' was probably one of the nicer nicknames that was bestowed upon me when I was a teenager. It's not something I really enjoy talking about."

"As hard as it was for you to bring up, I appreciate you doing so." Olivia's right hand comes to rest tenderly on her arm, and Amanda is torn between yanking herself away from the other woman's touch and shifting closer to her on the seat. "You were able to form a connection with Mandy and break her out of that unfeeling state she was so adamant on remaining in. I think it was very helpful to her, Amanda."

"Well, that's why I brought it up," Amanda murmurs uneasily, as Olivia begins to rub soft circles into her arm with one hand while the other remains locked onto the steering wheel as she drives. A stray tear escapes from one of her eyes before she can stop it and she quickly dashes it away with her fingers before Olivia notices, determined to hold onto every single ounce of self-control that she possibly can while they are riding in the car together. "I lost one girl five years ago and I wasn't about to lose another."

"That wasn't your fault, Amanda," the lieutenant says gently, and this time Amanda does pull away from the soothing palm that is massaging into her arm, not wanting to spiral down even further into more dark memories that she wishes would just disappear; that particular case having weighed on her mind more often than not in the intervening years and always wondering if she could have done more to put a stop to the tragic outcome.

"Liv...I just...can we not talk about anything right now?" Amanda is practically choking on her words as she speaks in a stuttering voice, desperate to put an end to this conversation before she loses it completely, and is both relieved and disappointed when Olivia puts her hand back on the wheel.

"We don't have to talk about anything you're not comfortable with but please know that you can come to me anytime you need to, alright, Amanda? About anything you want," Olivia confirms softly, and Amanda simply nods instead of replying verbally, as she doesn't trust herself to speak again.

The rest of the trip to Barba's office is made in complete silence, Amanda's fists clenched tightly on her lap as she stares despondently out the window and watches the world fly by in a colorful blur of buildings and vehicles and people.

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Amanda's foot is tapping incessantly against the metal frame of the stool she is slumped on, taking a giant swig from her bottle of beer with one hand while tracing lazy circles through the moist imprint that her drink has left behind on the top of the bar with the other. She has a pretty good buzz going and knows that she should probably slow down with the alcohol since it's a work night, but because their current case has been utterly exhausting and her thoughts are whirling in a constant emotional turmoil, a distraction was very much needed as soon as she had left the precinct for the day.

She can't seem to get her mind off of Mandy Fowler and her own tumultuous and painful teen years, and Amanda is dismayed that the hug between the younger girl and her lieutenant is playing on a neverending loop inside her brain, yearning for some comfort from the older woman and toying nervously with the cell phone in her jacket pocket. Amanda takes the device out and sets it on the bar next to her beer, staring uncertainly at it while debating whether or not to text Olivia as she recalls what the brunette had said earlier about talking to her anytime she wanted.

The alcohol is doing a poor job of acting as the distraction she has intended it to be, and is only making her think even more about their present case; absolutely fixated on the details that are so like that of her own life and feeling disturbingly needy for the physical touch of her boss. Amanda toys with her phone for a moment, spinning the device around and around on the surface of the bar before scrolling down the screen and picking Olivia's name out from all of the others, tapping her fingernail briefly against the protective glass and then clicking on it.

" _Hey, Liv,"_ she types out quickly, part of her hoping that Olivia won't answer and another part longing for the company of the older woman; surprised when Olivia texts back right away.

" _Are you okay, Amanda? What's wrong?"_

Amanda hesitates for a moment, her front teeth worrying her lower lip before typing in a response. _"What makes you think something is wrong?"_

Again, the reply is lightning-fast, and she takes another large gulp of her beer while reading Olivia's return message. _"You don't usually text me unless it's work-related."_

" _Well, it's kind of work-related,"_ she hedges in reply, startled when her phone begins to ring loudly and Olivia's name is flashing across the screen.

Amanda hesitates once again before picking the phone up and holding it to her ear, giving a weary sigh and trying not to let on that she is more than a little tipsy when she answers. "Hello?"

"Hey." That one simple word of acknowledgment is like a balm to Amanda's soul, Olivia's voice soft and soothing and not showing any sign of the usual stress or busyness that she does at the precinct. "Talk to me, Amanda. I know the situation with Mandy Fowler is getting to you. I saw how upset you were in the car, even though you tried to hide it. Tell me what I can do for you. What do you need?"

The tears come out of nowhere, Amanda's eyes welling up right away and that familiar knot taking up residence inside of her throat again, and it becomes painfully obvious that she has indulged in entirely too much alcohol when the next words come spilling out of her mouth before she can stop them. "I need a hug."

There is a resounding silence on the other end of the line and Amanda mutters several curse words under her breath, internally chastising herself as she rubs a hand over her face in mortification before straightening up in her seat at Olivia's unexpected response. "Okay, Amanda. If that's what you need, I'll give you a hug."

The tears are instantly overflowing down her cheeks at the shocking reply from the older woman, and when she tries to answer Olivia, the only noise that emits from her mouth is a strangled sob. She has dissolved into a blubbering mess right there at the bar in front of all the other patrons scattered throughout the room, so many people drowning their sorrows on a weeknight just the way she is; and Amanda hurriedly fishes some money out of her pocket and plunks it down in front of her before springing to her feet in a frantic effort to escape this humiliating scene.

She can hear Olivia continuing to speak soothingly into her ear, although there is a hint of alarm in the brunette's voice now, the words lost to Amanda while she concentrates on not tripping over her own feet as she hustles as quickly as possible from the bar and swipes an impatient arm over her wet face. Olivia seems to be inquiring repeatedly on her whereabouts, wanting to know if Amanda is at home or if she can come and pick her up from her current location; and despite her extreme embarrassment with the situation, the alcohol appears to win out yet again when Amanda finds herself asking if she can come over to the older woman's apartment.

Olivia agrees right away, that undercurrent of worry still evident in her tone, and Amanda immediately hails one of the many cabs that are traveling down the busy street, stumbling into the backseat and plunking herself down with a sigh of relief. The lieutenant remains on the phone with Amanda throughout the trip to her apartment, talking quietly and reassuringly to her as she tries to get control of herself.

The tears that have begun to subside during the car ride promptly start up once again when she spots Olivia standing outside her building in the chilly darkness, the other woman apparently choosing to wait for her in the cold autumn air instead of inside her comfortable home. She pays the driver and shuffles clumsily out of the cab, Olivia meeting her right at the curb and instantly enveloping her into a warm embrace, Amanda tucking her face into the taller woman's shoulder and trying to contain the sobs that are bursting forth insistently from within.

Olivia holds her tightly in that promised hug, a gesture that Amanda is still in disbelief that she has actually voiced her need for; blaming the copious amount of beer she had consumed at the bar and her disconcerting inability to compartmentalize her life. She is not used to this; the needier and more vulnerable side of her personality that doesn't rear its ugly head too often, and she pushes her face more snugly into Olivia's neck as if trying to hide her tears and pain from the brunette, even though she is currently bawling in her boss' arms and holding onto Olivia like she is her only lifeline.

"It's okay, Amanda, I've got you," Olivia is murmuring gently into her ear, and she feels herself being guided carefully along the sidewalk and into the building, clutching onto the other woman with fumbling fingers as the bright lights of the lobby make her squint sharply in response and a wave of dizziness overtakes her.

There is a sudden urge to vomit that she tries desperately to quell, not wanting her beer to make a gruesome reappearance inside the elevator, and Amanda pulls away from Olivia in order to peel her jacket from her sweating body, leaving her clad in a short-sleeved black T-shirt and a pair of jeans that are ripped at both knees. She can see Olivia's curious gaze wandering down to the inside of her forearm and feels the older woman's tender touch upon her heated skin as soft fingers graze questioningly over the white ink.

"Do you want to tell me what happened when you were a teenager?" Olivia asks quietly, and Amanda nods slowly in tearful consent, finally ready to unburden herself after all of these years.


	2. Chapter 2

**Just a reminder that this story contains spoilers for season 19's episode "No Good Reason" but doesn't include the Sheila plotline, as Noah (along with Jesse and Frannie) does not exist.**

 **This is going to be a bit longer than the original short two-shot I had planned, and will most likely be a three-shot instead.**

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Olivia keeps a firm arm wrapped around Amanda's waist as she carefully leads the younger woman from the elevator into her apartment, noticing that the blonde detective doesn't make any effort to pull away from her embrace once they are safely inside. She has been worried about not being able to keep Amanda upright after she had helped her out of the cab and led her indoors; the other woman very unsteady on her feet and smelling strongly of beer and cigarettes.

It is obvious from her uncoordinated limbs and unusual request for physical comfort that Amanda is quite inebriated but Olivia chooses not to comment on it, simply pulling the smaller woman closer to her as she shuts the door behind them and guides her colleague into the living room. Amanda is still behaving in a very uncharacteristically clingy way by molding herself even more tightly into the side of Olivia's body as they make their way toward the couch, thin arms wound around her lieutenant's ribs and blonde head slumping heavily onto her shoulder.

It is Olivia's plan to ease them both as gently as possible into a sitting position on the cushions, but that idea quickly evaporates when Amanda's legs suddenly give out beneath her and the two of them go sprawling into a nearby reclining chair together. Luckily the piece of furniture is big enough to hold more than one person, and Olivia immediately draws the quivering form next to her even further into her embrace, tucking Amanda against her chest and pulling a blanket that had been hanging over the back of the chair across their entwined bodies.

Olivia is determined to give Amanda what she so obviously had been longing for when they were in Mandy's bedroom earlier that day, and what she had surprisingly decided to ask for while on the phone; and that is a much-needed hug. She had seen the heartbreaking look on Amanda's face when she was holding the teenager in her arms; the younger woman so close to tears in both the bedroom and the car, and it is entirely evident that Amanda is intent on seeking comfort and empathy and security from her.

The detective feels small and fragile in her arms and is still shedding tears along with the occasional sniffle, Olivia's heart aching as she pulls Amanda impossibly closer and plants a soft kiss on the crown of her bent blonde head, the hug she had given her outside not nearly enough to fill the void of emptiness that seems to be residing inside. Amanda's face is buried against her neck like she is trying to hide from the world, and Olivia murmurs quietly into the other woman's ear as she holds onto her, the situation reminding her so much of the one they had encountered earlier that day in their victim's home.

Amanda doesn't look much older than a teenager herself right now; dressed in a black T-shirt and ripped jeans, long hair unkempt and makeup smudged, and her co-worker's vulnerability is only pulling on Olivia's heartstrings even more as Amanda now seems to be trying to burrow right into her body. In all the years they have worked together, this is the closest she has ever been to her colleague, either physically or emotionally, and Olivia is glad that Amanda is choosing to let her in while she is experiencing so much personal torment.

"Amanda." She gently jostles the small woman in her embrace, trying to get her to make eye contact but only resulting in the detective burying her face even more firmly into her neck. "I just want to make sure you're okay. Can you look at me, please?"

"No," comes a tiny, muffled voice, and Olivia's eyebrow arches in question as she strokes a soothing hand over rumpled golden locks.

"No?" she repeats softly, threading her fingers through the silky strands and doing her best to untangle them. "Why not?"

"Because I'm too embarrassed to look at you." Amanda's voice is almost inaudible when she answers, Olivia feeling a hint of amusement that breaks through her concern and sympathy as the younger woman is making absolutely no effort to pull away despite her extreme embarrassment, keeping her face entirely hidden from view. "I almost had a meltdown in our victim's bedroom and another one in the cab on the way to Barba's office, and now I'm drunk on a work night and I came all the way over here just to get a hug from my boss. I look terrible and I smell like booze and cigarettes. If it was possible to die of embarrassment, I think I would be dead by now."

"Amanda, it's okay," Olivia soothes quietly, scratching her fingernails lightly over the other woman's scalp and wishing she would lift her head so they could look one another in the eye. "I don't mind giving you what you need, and right now what you need the most is some comfort."

"But I _shouldn't_ need it." Olivia is gratified to see that Amanda has moved her face slightly away from the warmth of her neck and gets a quick glimpse of big blue eyes full of sadness and tears. "I'm used to not having it. I didn't have it back then, when I was so young, and I eventually got through it. So I don't know why I need it now, when I'm so much older."

"I think that's precisely _why_ you need it now," Olivia murmurs gently into disheveled blonde locks that smell of alcohol and smoke and chilly autumn breezes. "You're longing for something that you needed so badly when you were young but didn't receive. I'm so sorry no one was there for you, Amanda. I hate to think of you being all alone while going through something so terrible."

She neglects to mention that she still doesn't know the majority of the details of what Amanda had been made to endure in her teenage years, deciding to wait patiently until the younger woman is ready to talk and not push her to say anything that she might be uncomfortable with. For now, Amanda seems to be quite content just snuggling up close in the recliner, and Olivia is relieved to see the tears coming to a stop when she chances another swift glance down at the detective's pale face.

"I wish you had been there back then," Amanda whispers in a heartfelt tone, Olivia reaching down in response to lace her fingers through the slim, cold digits of the other woman's. "Mandy is lucky to have you in her life, Liv. She's lucky to have your help and your compassion."

"She's lucky to have you too," Olivia reminds her softly, giving their joined hands a brief squeeze. "You were the one who got her to open up by telling her a little bit of your own story. You did a good thing, Amanda."

"Part of me actually wishes that I hadn't said anything because now I can't make it all stop...the thoughts and the memories and the trauma...it's like I opened up some dusty old box from the past that I can't close again. I took the lid off and now I can't seem to put it back on." Amanda's voice is ringing with truth and honesty, and Olivia feels honored to see this part of her colleague that she usually keeps so closed off, along with keeping in mind that the alcohol is likely playing a large part in this sudden need to share and seek physical comfort.

"Do you know that was the first time I ever told anyone the truth about my tattoo?" Amanda continues in a low tone, and Olivia peers down again to see the small detective staring off into the distance as she speaks, like she is revisiting another time and place inside her head. "Whenever anyone has asked about it over the years, I've always just made something up right on the spot. I've lied about it so many times because it was something that was just for me; it wasn't for anyone else to know about. I guess I shouldn't have put it in such an easily seen place on my body."

Amanda's tone is wry now, a trace of self-deprecating humor evident, and Olivia gives their joined hands another soft squeeze. "You probably got the tattoo in that spot so it was easy for _you_ to see, though. So you could look down and be reminded of its significance whenever you needed to be."

"Yeah..." Amanda's voice trails off and Olivia leans back slightly while watching the younger woman's gaze drift down toward the white ink on her arm. "I needed to be reminded of it a lot back then."

"It sounds like you went through something pretty similar to what Mandy did," Olivia hedges carefully, rearing back when she feels Amanda stiffen suddenly in her embrace and prepared to apologize for pushing too hard, when she sees that Amanda's complexion has drained of all color and there is a light sheen of sweat standing out across her forehead and upper lip.

"Liv, I think I'm gonna-"

Amanda doesn't have time to finish the sentence before her hand is clapping hard over her mouth in panic and Olivia is hauling them both up out of the chair, guiding the smaller woman hurriedly down the hallway to the bathroom. They barely make in time before Amanda is collapsing onto her knees against the tiled floor in front of the toilet, Olivia kneeling down behind her to scoop any errant strands of long hair out of the way and wincing as she listens to her colleague vomit several times in a row.

"Ugh, I hate beer," Amanda moans when she appears to be finished, feeling limp and sweaty in Olivia's arms when she leans back in her embrace and covers her face with her hands. "God, why did I have to drink so much? I'm so sorry, Liv. I'm just going to head home, okay? You don't need to deal with all of this."

"Amanda, you are more than welcome to stay," Olivia assures her in concern, not at all comfortable with letting the other woman leave her apartment alone in the condition she is in. "In fact, why don't you stay here tonight? You can have a nice hot shower and borrow something of mine to sleep in. You can even take my bed and I'll take the couch so you can get a good night's rest."

"I can't do that, Liv," Amanda mutters under her breath, Olivia turning the detective delicately around in her arms so that she can see her face, the previously ghostly white complexion replaced by a fiery red blush. "I've already been enough trouble as it is."

"It's no trouble at all," Olivia replies firmly, feeling how damp the younger woman's T-shirt is as she holds her and worried about her co-worker's current state of mind. "To be honest, it would make me feel much better if you stayed here tonight, Amanda. I'm worried about you. And I hate the thought of you going home alone like this, after having quite a bit to drink and feeling so down."

"I'll be okay," Amanda whispers almost inaudibly and Olivia pulls the other woman closer to her with a deep sigh.

"You're not okay, Amanda," she answers in a somewhat stern tone of voice, rubbing a soft hand up and down a bare arm that is pebbled with goosebumps. "And it's okay not to be okay. But for my own peace of mind, I would prefer if you stayed here tonight, alright?"

"Alright," Amanda agrees softly and Olivia expels another long sigh, this time in relief.

She helps the younger woman off the floor, making sure she is okay on her own before retrieving a couple of towels from the closet and showing her how to work the shower. When she hears the water running, Olivia puts fresh sheets on her bed and digs through her dresser drawers to find the smallest pair of pajamas that she owns, laying them out across the mattress for Amanda to change into when she is done showering.

As she passes by the closed bathroom door on her way to the kitchen to make some tea, she hears the unmistakable sound of retching once again, wincing in sympathy and pausing with her hand poised to knock, unsure of whether or not to offer her assistance while Amanda is in the tub. When Olivia hears the same sound a second time, she knocks loudly and opens the door a crack so the other woman will be able to hear her voice over the rush of the water, calling out first to see if she is okay.

"I feel sick, Liv. And I _really_ hate beer." Amanda sounds utterly pitiful when she speaks, a sheepish twinge coloring her tone as she adds, "and I threw up in your bathtub."

"Will you let me help you, sweetie?" Olivia comes to a halt at the closed shower curtain, talking over the younger woman when she hears Amanda murmuring a string of apologies and it sounds like her voice is coming from the bottom of the tub. "Amanda, I don't care where you threw up. I just want to make sure you're okay. Can I open the curtain?"

She hears Amanda give a soft noise of assent and pulls the striped material away from the tiled wall to see the blonde detective crouching on the bottom of the slippery porcelain, knees pulled up to her chest and arms looped around her shins, teeth chattering and soaking wet hair slicked right to her head. Olivia's heart is aching in her chest as she grabs one of the nearby towels and squeezes the water from Amanda's hair as best she can before wrapping it around her head and plucking the other towel up to drape over the shivering form of her colleague.

"Well, if it wasn't possible to die of embarrassment earlier, I think it definitely is now," Amanda mutters in shame, her mouth dragging down at the side as she appears to be fighting another wave of tears. "I'm drunk and naked in front of my boss and I just puked in the tub."

"You don't have to be embarrassed in front of me," Olivia assures her softly as she helps the smaller woman to her feet and makes sure she is covered, determined not to show a hint of discontent with this situation as she knows how much the detective needs her right now. "This stays between the two of us, alright? I know you're hurting, Amanda. Please let me help you. Please talk to me."

Amanda has begun sobbing again, repeatedly saying how sorry she is, and Olivia murmurs soothing words of comfort while very slowly and carefully guiding the other woman over the edge of the tub and onto the bathmat. She quickly gets Amanda dried off before leading her into the bedroom and helping her put the pajamas on; the red and white checkered flannel shirt and pants hanging loosely off her thin frame.

Amanda is still crying softly as Olivia gets her tucked underneath the covers of the bed, grabbing onto her arm in a panic as she begins to move away with the intention of bringing her colleague a hot cup of tea to help calm her down and keep her warm. "Don't leave me," the detective begs brokenly, shifting over hastily on the mattress and holding the blankets up in invitation.

"Okay, sweetie, I won't leave," Olivia assures her gently, climbing onto the bed next to the shuddering figure of the smaller woman and winding a tender arm around Amanda's back. She rubs her hand up and down the slightly worn material of the pajama shirt, gasping quietly when Amanda turns suddenly on the sheets and clutches tightly onto her body, much like she was doing when they were out in the living room, her co-worker's arms sliding around her ribs as if trying desperately to hold her in place.

The scent of beer is wafting through the air around them once again, and Olivia wonders just how much alcohol Amanda had indulged in before coming over, cursing herself for leaving her colleague alone when the work day was done and not immediately inviting Amanda to spend the evening at her place when she had been aware of how upset she was. The younger woman had been so closed off and tense for the rest of the day, uttering a terse goodbye when they had taken their leave from the precinct and not giving Olivia a chance to suggest any kind of get-together afterwards.

All of that pretense and stifling of intense emotions has since fallen away as Amanda curls more tightly into her embrace and continues to cry, obviously so hungry for comfort, and Olivia indulges her by laying them both back against the pillows and turning off the lamp so the room is plunged into darkness. She remembers Amanda's earlier embarrassment in the living room, hiding her face so Olivia wouldn't look at her, and she figures the absence of light will create some semblance of privacy so the other woman won't have to make direct eye contact while they talk. Olivia keeps her arms wrapped securely around the small form next to her so Amanda will know that she's not going anywhere, wishing she had changed into pajamas as well before joining her colleague in the bed as she is still dressed in the jeans and sweatshirt she had donned after work.

"You know, I used to do exactly the same thing as Mandy when I was younger," Amanda suddenly whispers under the cover of darkness and Olivia is glad that she had decided to turn out the light, since the small detective is already talking. She can barely make out the figure of the woman in her arms but can feel Amanda's warm breath coming out in ragged puffs against her neck as she tries to stop crying, her co-worker's arms still wound tightly around her ribs.

"We didn't call it 'pink clouding' back then, but that's what I did when things got to be too much; when the name calling and the threats didn't stop and things just seemed to get worse and worse," Amanda continues softly, and Olivia can feel her playing idly with the pocket on the front of her sweatshirt as she speaks. "I would pretend everything was fine because I didn't want to feel anything. And in the back of my mind, I knew that I could always do something about it if things continued to get worse; that I could put an end to everything if my illusion of indifference didn't work out."

"Why did you have to pretend everything was fine, Amanda?" Olivia asks quietly as she sweeps wet blonde hair away from the other woman's forehead, her heart aching at the comment about putting an end to everything and recalling when Amanda had said the same thing to their victim. "You mentioned to Mandy that you did something stupid when you were a teenager. What was it?"

"I did do something stupid," Amanda confirms softly and somewhat cryptically, the movement of her body beneath the blankets indicating a further desire for comfort as she shifts even closer to Olivia. "I was Mandy's age and I made a dumb decision and paid a very steep price for it. I was young and naive and didn't realize there would be consequences to my actions because I thought...well, never mind what I thought. It was my own choice, though." She hesitates briefly, as if needing to gather her courage before speaking once again.

"But when it happened a second time, my consent or lack thereof didn't seem to matter. I didn't have a choice anymore."


	3. Chapter 3

**So I thought this would be the final chapter, but there will be one more chapter after this.**

 ** _Trigger warnings for mentions of rape_.**

 **Just another reminder that this fic contains spoilers for season 19, but Noah, Jesse and Frannie do not exist, so neither does the Sheila storyline.**

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When Amanda's eyelids crack open blearily, she is briefly panicked at not being able to recognize her surroundings; the darkened bedroom she has been asleep in, the mattress and sheets that are not her own, and the warm body she is curled up so closely beside. It takes her a moment to realize that she is in her lieutenant's apartment and had fallen into a troubled snooze mid-conversation with Olivia, just when she had been about to reveal what had taken place when she was a teenager. Olivia's bed had been so comfortable and that irresistible pull of slumber just too hard to ignore, not to mention the copious amount of beer she had indulged in earlier in the evening; and Amanda had ended up drifting off to sleep right in the middle of a sentence.

A quick glance at the glowing numbers of the clock resting on the nightstand confirms that it is now the middle of the night and there are only a few more hours left until they have to get up for work to continue with the Mandy Fowler case. Their impromptu sleepover brings a blush of embarrassment to Amanda's cheeks as she realizes that not only had she been pretty drunk when she had arrived at Olivia's place, but she doesn't have anything to wear to the precinct or brush her teeth with and will have to make her way back home first to properly get ready.

The red and white checkered flannel pajamas that she had borrowed from Olivia are certainly not proper work attire, and Amanda figures the outfit she had worn over here smells of booze and cigarettes, wincing as she recalls throwing up in the older woman's bathroom while sweating through her shirt, only to repeat part of that horrifying process when she had gotten in the tub for a shower. The amount of beer she had consumed in the evening had certainly been enough to get her drunk, but hasn't completely obliterated her memories of begging Olivia for comfort and clinging to the brunette like a toddler would cling to her mother; her blush deepening profusely at the shame of her uncharacteristic actions.

Amanda sucks in a deep breath as a sharp pain slices right through her skull when she very carefully pulls away from the other woman's embrace, a small part of her wishing to stay cuddled up with Olivia in the comfortable bed as she slowly swings her legs over the side of the mattress. She still has enough time to get back home and try for a few more hours of sleep before starting what is sure to be another highly emotional day, and sneaking out of Olivia's apartment so she doesn't have to face her boss until they are with everyone else in the squad room and are no longer alone, seems like a pretty fabulous idea right about now.

After tiptoeing as quietly as she can into the bathroom in search of her discarded clothing, Amanda is horrified when she looks in the mirror and comes face to face with the ghostly white reflection gazing back at her, the fiery red blush having faded rapidly from her complexion and leaving her drained of all color. Olivia's pajamas are hanging loose and rumpled from her small frame and her wild blonde hair is standing on end after falling asleep when it had still been wet from her shower. The long golden strands have dried into a chaotic halo of static, and Amanda shakes her head at herself in dismay as she spots her clothing lying in a crumpled up ball in a corner of the room, reaching out for it with the intention of dressing as quickly as possible and then making her escape.

When she has shed the borrowed nightwear and is clad in her wrinkled T-shirt and jeans once again and is wondering where her coat is located, Amanda pauses at Olivia's bedroom door and listens to the even breathing of the older woman, feeling a guilty pang inside her chest for just up and leaving in the wee hours of the morning after the lieutenant had been so kind to her. There is an overwhelming longing to climb back underneath the warm blankets and snuggle into Olivia's safe and comforting embrace once again, desperate for more of the compassion and empathy that had been absent in her earlier years, but as her acute embarrassment is now outweighing any other feelings she has on the situation, Amanda turns resolutely away in preparation to take her leave.

"Where are you going?" a soft voice suddenly asks into the darkness, and Amanda nearly jumps out of skin with surprise as she whirls back around and is just barely able to make out Olivia's shadowy form struggling into an upright position on the bed.

For a moment Amanda seems to be at a loss for words, the mortification of her own behavior mixing in with her growing desire to be held so tenderly in the other woman's arms, and the awkward silence stretches out between them before she is finally able to utter a short sentence in response. "I'm going home."

"Why?" Olivia is sitting up amid the disheveled sheets now, the brunette's head tilted in question and her voice ringing with concern. "It's the middle of the night, Amanda. You don't have to leave."

"Yes, I do," Amanda mutters determinedly under her breath, the shame of her previous actions along with the emotional desperation she is currently feeling causing a deep ache to form inside her chest.

"Why?" Olivia repeats gently, Amanda taking a small step backward as she watches the older woman shift her body forward on the mattress and plant both feet on the floor with the intention of getting up. "Why do you think you have to leave?"

"You know why," she whispers apologetically, that cloak of shame tightening more firmly around her. "I've made a complete ass out of myself and I've just been using you as my own personal teddy bear while we were asleep."

"Amanda, it's okay-"

"No, Olivia, it's _not_ okay," she cuts in sharply, wincing as her voice's rise in volume causes the pain in her head to spike even further. "I appreciate everything you've done for me tonight, but I think I'm just going to take what's left of my dignity and go home."

"Amanda-"

"You know I'm really disappointed in myself," she continues bitterly, cutting Olivia off again before she can finish speaking. "I'm usually able to handle our cases so much better than this. But instead of handling it with maturity and grace, I spent the entire evening having a meltdown of epic proportions; in front of my boss, no less."

Amanda's body is beginning to shudder as she talks, and she is aware of those intense feelings rising to the surface again; desperate to push them back down before they can erupt once more into a messy volcano of sobs in Olivia's presence. The memories of everything that had occurred in her youth are hitting her full force now, and she clenches her fists down at her sides in an attempt to reign in her spiraling emotions, her mind wandering to Mandy Fowler and wondering how the younger girl is doing; if she is asleep right now or if her tormented thoughts are keeping her wide awake.

"Amanda, sometimes certain cases just hit us harder than others do," Olivia soothes in that comforting tone she uses to speak to the victims they deal with on a daily basis, and Amanda bites down hard on her lower lip to keep the advancing tears at bay. "It's perfectly understandable, especially considering how much you've been identifying with Mandy due to whatever it was that happened when you were a teenager. And you still haven't told me much about it, sweetie."

"I'm just so embarrassed," Amanda murmurs in a hushed voice, torn between sprinting out the door so she can get as far away as possible from Olivia's apartment, and throwing herself into the taller woman's arms for that particular brand of comfort that she can't seem to stop seeking from her lieutenant, Olivia's embrace making her feel so safe and secure.

"Amanda, please don't think you're the only one who has ever had a hard time dealing with things when a case hits too close to home," Olivia replies softly, walking slowly over to her so they are standing face to face in the doorway of the bedroom, the other woman still wearing her jeans and sweatshirt from earlier. "I've been where you are more than a few times now; when a case just hits a nerve because it reminds you of something in the past and you can't seem to control what happens because of it. I've had some rough nights alone in my apartment, just me and a bottle of wine. But the difference here is that you sought someone out instead of going through it alone; you came to me when you needed someone to listen and help you, Amanda. And that's a _good_ difference; that's a very good thing."

"But I was drunk and clingy...and naked," Amanda mumbles almost inaudibly, swallowing back a wave of shameful and embarrassed tears as she recalls Olivia finding her in the bathtub after she had thrown up, the older woman drying her off and getting her dressed for bed like a child.

This is not her usual way of dealing with things when they go wrong; sure, she has her deep-seated issues that seem to want to make an appearance when the going gets rough, but she has never allowed herself to fall apart in front of another person quite like this before. There is just something about Olivia, even now while Amanda is so regretful and mortified over her own actions, that radiates a certain amount of peaceful calm; the other woman's arms a refuge of sorts that had protected her from the outside world when she had enveloped and held Amanda so gently in her embrace.

"You don't have to be embarrassed in front of me," Olivia answers quietly, reiterating what she had said in the bathroom earlier, her hand coming to rest lightly on Amanda's arm. "It's just you and me here tonight, and whatever has happened over the course of the past several hours, as well as anything that you tell me about your past, will remain between the two of us. I promise."

"You should go back to sleep, Liv," Amanda says lightly, trying to keep herself from collapsing against Olivia's taller form in extreme exhaustion and emotional distress. "It's so late. Or early, I should say. It's going to be another long day and you need your rest."

"What about what you need?" Olivia asks patiently, the hand that is still resting on Amanda's arm giving a gentle squeeze. "You need your rest too. Or how about a listening ear? Is that what you need more right now, sweetie? For me to listen to you instead of going back to sleep?"

Amanda sighs harshly, cursing herself for putting Olivia in this difficult position; essentially making her lieutenant have to choose between getting some much-needed rest or listening to her subordinate have another breakdown because she can't handle a case that reminds her too much of the past. The older woman is being so understanding and supportive that it makes her want to weep in grateful frustration; so desperate to give in and spill all of the dark secrets from her teenage years but angry with herself for depriving Olivia of her sleep.

"I think I need to leave," Amanda whispers in a voice that is clogged with tears once again and growing more uncertain by the second as the older woman begins rubbing her hand in tiny circles across her forearm, feeling like the white ink beneath the brunette's touch is about to bust into flames as she is overcome by unwanted memories.

She recalls the sharp sting of the tattoo needle as it had penetrated into her delicate pale skin; just waiting until she could look down at the writing of her own name and wishing for the cruel nicknames the other kids had branded her with to be erased from her head. The unfairness of it all; that she was the one being punished when she hadn't done anything wrong, combined with the pure terror she had felt in that moment when she knew what was about to happen and the realization that she wouldn't be able to get away, is enough to make Amanda's head spin like she has decided to indulge in several more bottles of beer.

She wobbles briefly on her feet as the sights and sounds of those long ago days slam right into her with the force of a speeding train, feeling Olivia's arm wrapping securely around her waist in response. Amanda leans into the taller woman before she can stop herself, and all it takes for the first tear to fall is Olivia's other arm sliding around her hip and the brunette pulling her gently against her chest.

She clenches her jaw as tightly as she can, blinking furiously against the onslaught of more tears and determined to let that single spill of salty liquid be the only one that slips out of her eyes, but Olivia's comforting presence is making her waver once again and Amanda has to bite back a loud sob. The older woman's fingers are stroking delicately through her mused blonde hair now, Olivia's hand laying atop Amanda's head and guiding it down to rest upon her shoulder, and the words come bursting from of her mouth like they have a will of their own and are desperate to be spoken aloud.

"I was in love with him," Amanda chokes out as an image of a handsome teenage boy flits unwanted across her brain; the lopsided smirk, that charming personality and those huge dark eyes that seemed to peer right into her soul throwing her for a complete loop and making her act like one of those needy, silly girls that she had always despised while growing up. "Or at least I thought I was."

"Who, sweetie?" Olivia asks gently, her hand smoothing repetitively over Amanda's head and making her eyelids flutter shut with the soothing motions.

"The boy who raped me."

The stark and honest statement is uttered quite softly but the words seem to pierce right through the quiet darkness of the night as if Amanda has screamed them out across the apartment at the top of her lungs, and she feels Olivia's hand come to an abrupt halt against her unruly long hair. Her heart skips a beat inside her chest as she sees that day so clearly in her mind, the images playing out in vivid color and the sounds of own begging and pleading ringing in her ears; in disbelief that things had gotten so much worse than they already were.

Amanda is aware of Olivia guiding her cautiously toward the bed now, asking in a whispered tone if it's okay to tuck her back underneath the covers, Amanda nodding in assent and allowing the other woman to help her onto the plump mattress and pull the warm covers over a body that is now trembling with cold and nerves, feeling the goosebumps popping out along her arms. Olivia climbs in next to her but keeps her distance, the two of them sitting side by side on the rumpled sheets with a good foot of space amidst them, and again Amanda is torn between hurling herself back into the older woman's embrace or maintaining that tentative gap.

She settles for resting her hand on the blankets between them and watches the shadowy form of Olivia's hand slide over top of her own, the brunette linking their fingers together and giving an encouraging squeeze. Amanda shifts closer on the sheets so their shoulders are touching lightly and takes a deep breath before speaking.

"His name was Kevin," she says very softly, the image in her head so clear that it's as if she has conjured up his physical presence merely by thinking of him and he is standing right there in front of her in Olivia's dim bedroom. "We went to high school together. When I was partway through my junior year, he transferred in from another city. I was drawn to him immediately because we were both outcasts of sorts, but in different ways."

Amanda finds herself becoming lost in the memories of her past, the last couple of decades seeming to fall away like they had never existed and allowing her to slide so easily back into that tumultuous time of her life. "He was quiet and studious, a bookworm who kept to himself, and the complete opposite of me. I was angry and opinionated and always getting into trouble. My dad was a gambling addict who had just left us and my sister was running wild. My mom couldn't handle things and would often disappear for days at a time to stay with some random guy she had just met, so it was up to me to take care of Kim and the house and everything else. It was exhausting. I didn't have time for studying, and I wasn't really that interested in school at the time anyway, so my grades were slipping like crazy. I was in danger of failing all of my classes, and that's when Kevin stepped in to help."

Amanda feels Olivia's thumb stroking back and forth across the back of her hand and she lets her head come to rest on the brunette's shoulder, needing more physical contact between them while she tells her story. "It bothered me a lot that I didn't have many friends at the time. There were a few kids here and there that I would hang out with, but we would usually just sneak around to the back of the school to smoke cigarettes and occasionally drink from a bottle of vodka that this one kid would steal from his dad. It was my only escape from a life that was already spiraling out of control. But it never transitioned to hanging out beyond the school grounds. I was really lonely."

Olivia's arm is sliding carefully around Amanda's shoulders at the mention of her loneliness, and the shame of being so needy toward her superior is gradually wearing off as she turns further into the older woman's embrace and grasps gratefully onto Olivia's body in return. "Kevin was different, though. He seemed content with who he was; he didn't care that he wasn't a part of the popular crowd or that they teased him for being a nerd. Or at least that was my initial perception of him."

Amanda pauses and inhales a deep breath of air, gulping hard before speaking again. "I've never been so wrong about another person's character in all of my life, Olivia. I've never misjudged someone like I misjudged him. I fell so hard for him because he was so kind and quiet and the total opposite of anyone else in my life at the time, but he wasn't who I thought he was..."

"You were so young, sweetie," Olivia replies softly and reassuringly, and Amanda feels the other woman tightening her hold around her quivering body. "Of course you wouldn't have the same ability to judge a person's character that you do now. You were just a child."

"But I wasn't a very smart one," Amanda insists in a louder tone of voice, feeling a sudden spike of anger for the person she used to be instead of letting herself be compassionate toward her younger self; a girl who was just learning the harsh ways of the world. "I should have seen...I should have seen who he really was, underneath that handsome, quiet exterior. But I was just so drawn to him and we quickly became close. He helped me with my homework and I taught him how to play baseball and basketball and all of the other sports that he usually avoided. I couldn't seem to stay away from him...his calm attention, those gorgeous eyes, the gentle smile. It was like I had finally found someone who actually understood me and I felt giddy around him, like one of those goofy, immature girly-girls I could hardly stand to be around; the ones who would throw themselves all over any boy who paid the slightest bit of attention to them."

Amanda bites down hard against the instead of her cheek in a monumental effort to hold back another impending tidal wave of tears. "I never said the words out loud, but I felt like we were in love; that not only was I head over heels for him, but he actually felt the same way about me. The other kids teased us for spending so much time together but he never seemed to care; he never let on how much it actually bothered him. And the more time I spent with him, the less I cared about what everyone else had to say."

"It sounds like he had become your best friend," Olivia observes quietly, her tone radiating one of sadness and empathy and a slight wariness, like she is bracing for what is to come.

"He _was_ my best friend," Amanda confirms in a voice that has fallen to a ragged whisper, faltering momentarily before continuing. "In every way possible. And that's why I chose to do what I did; to take that huge step that I had never taken with anyone before and let myself be intimate with a boy for the first time ever. But I should have known better."

She can't get those persistent, disturbing images out of her head now; how the one person she had come to love more than anyone else in the world had turned on her so viciously after they had been together, everything that had followed in the wake of that one consensual act exploding into a series of horrific events that she had never seen coming. The person she had mistakenly thought she knew even better than she knew herself had suddenly morphed into someone she didn't recognize; a stranger who had unleashed the full force of his cruelty upon her in the form of rapidly spread rumors and savagely twisted taunts and outright bragging, eventually culminating in the most brutal form of betrayal against her when she wouldn't consent again.

"I trusted someone I shouldn't have, and it was one of the worst decisions I've ever made in my entire life," Amanda says softly, allowing herself to be pulled more firmly into Olivia's warm embrace and clutching onto the older woman like she intends on never letting go, so hungry for the comfort and kindness she had been denied in her youth.

"Because that's when everything went to hell."


	4. Chapter 4

**This is the final chapter of the story. Thank you so much for the follows, favorites and reviews; I really appreciate them!**

 **This chapter picks up right where the previous one left off.**

 ** _Major trigger warnings for discussions of rape_. **

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Amanda has abruptly fallen silent after telling a portion of her heartbreaking story, the smaller woman suddenly feeling stiff inside Olivia's embrace, and she rubs a soothing hand up and down a bare forearm that is pebbled with goosebumps, knowing the white ink of Amanda's name is resting just beneath her fingertips. Her co-worker's emotional reaction to Mandy Fowler's situation is making more sense in light of the terrible revelation from her teenage years, and Olivia is briefly unsure of how to proceed now that Amanda has stopped speaking and is sitting there so stoically beside her.

At the utter lack of movement and sound from the blonde detective, she decides that it would be better to give Amanda some space as she likely needs a break from the heavy conversation and begins shifting away on the rumpled sheets, only now realizing that she has not had a chance to change into proper nightwear and is still wearing her jeans and sweatshirt from earlier. Olivia is startled at the strangled noise of protest that emits from the other woman's lips as she slides carefully over on the bed to create some room between them, immediately halting in her effort to make Amanda feel more comfortable with the situation.

"What is it, sweetie?" she asks softly into the darkness, watching as a pale hand emerges from the disheveled blankets they have been sharing and wraps itself around her own larger one.

"Where are you going? Are you leaving the room?" Amanda's voice is quite hushed when she speaks but holds an injured, disbelieving note, like she is under the impression that Olivia is actually just going to get up and abandon her after beginning to divulge the dark secrets of her youth, and is extremely hurt by this notion.

"What? No, of course not!" Olivia responds a little too loudly, stunned that her colleague is even asking her such a question and instantly moving back into her previous position on the bed, shoulder to shoulder and hip to hip with the now-quivering form next to her, disappointed in herself for misreading the situation when she has so much experience dealing with this kind of thing on a daily basis. "I would never leave you, Amanda, especially after what you just told me. I was only trying to give you a bit of space because it seemed like that's what you wanted. You stiffened up and stopped talking and I didn't want to push you or make you feel uncomfortable in any way."

"Well, space is definitely not what I need right now." Amanda's shoulders are hunched up around her ears as she admits to something that is likely very hard for her to say, the small detective staring down at the quilt and not meeting Olivia's gaze, her tone sounding tiny and shamed when she speaks again. "Quite the opposite, actually."

"Okay," Olivia replies quietly, reaching out to slowly pull Amanda back into her arms and feeling the younger woman collapse gratefully against the front of her body, a sharp stab of guilt piercing into her chest. "I'm sorry, Amanda. I didn't mean to make it seem like I was leaving right after you told me something that was so difficult for you. Are you alright?"

Amanda has gone absolutely rigid and silent in her embrace once again, and Olivia frowns down at the smaller figure in concern, smoothing a hand over unruly golden locks and resting her palm on the other woman's forehead. "Just try to relax," she whispers soothingly into Amanda's ear, understanding that everything seems to be hitting her co-worker quite hard right now and the detective might not be totally present with her at the moment; possibly lost in traumatizing memories of the past. "You're safe with me. We're right here in my bedroom, just you and me, okay? No one else is here with us. No one is going to hurt you."

"I know that," Amanda murmurs in a choked tone, Olivia's heart aching at the tear she feels splashing down upon her neck. "I just get caught up in things sometimes, if I allow myself to think about them too much or for too long. I can still see him...Kevin...so clearly, it's like he's standing right there in front of me."

"He's not here," Olivia assures her gently, rocking the shivering form of her colleague back and forth against the pillows and lightly resting her cheek on top of a bent blonde head. "Do you need to take a bit of a break? Do you want to try and get some more sleep or do you want to keep talking? We can do whatever you're comfortable with."

She can feel the hesitation and guilt rolling off of Amanda in waves and seeks to provide her with some kind of reassurance again, tightening her hold on the woman in her arms. "I know you feel bad because you think you're keeping me from resting, but please don't worry about that, okay? It's fine, I promise. If you want to keep talking, I will listen to you for as long as you need me to."

"I want to keep talking, Liv." The words are uttered so softly that Olivia has to strain to hear them, and she presses a quick kiss to Amanda's forehead in response.

"Then that's what we'll do," she says quietly, listening to the deep sigh of relief that sounds in return and choosing to gently prompt the other woman to continue with their discussion. "You mentioned that everything went to hell after you made the decision to be with Kevin. Do you want to tell me about that?"

"I shouldn't have trusted him," Amanda whispers almost inaudibly in reply, and Olivia feels another warm tear hitting her skin. "I was such a stupid little girl back then, Liv. Everything was falling apart and he was the only good thing in my life, so I grabbed onto him and didn't let go. How could I think that he actually loved me back? How could I let myself fall for that charming, goofy act?"

"It wasn't your fault, Amanda," Olivia answers with a note of firmness in her tone, although the crushing anguish of her colleague is causing her strong facade to crumble just the tiniest amount, quickly blinking back her own hovering tears before any of them can fall. "He was your best friend and he betrayed your trust in the worst possible way."

"Yes, he did," Amanda confirms in a small voice, and when Olivia feels yet another tear soaking into her skin, she reaches down to clasp onto both sides of the younger woman's face and gently pull the detective's head away from her neck so they are looking each other in the eye.

The large cobalt orbs that are staring back at her are swimming with unshed tears, one of the salty drops breaking free to roll down a damp pale cheek, and Olivia strokes her thumbs along Amanda's temples, watching as her co-worker's face crumbles and she begins to weep quietly.

"S-sorry, Liv," Amanda stutters out, swiping a trembling hand over her eyes. "I just can't seem to stop crying. I really should go home and let you get some sleep. You don't need to deal with this."

"Will you please stop saying that?" Olivia chastises lightly as they gaze intently at one another, feeling the intense shuddering of the small body beneath her hands. "Didn't you just tell me that space is the opposite of what you want right now?" At Amanda's tremulous nod, she continues speaking in a somewhat stern tone. "So you think it's a good idea to leave in the middle of the night and go sit at home all by yourself just so you won't be bothering me?"

When Amanda begins to shrug, Olivia removes her hands from the younger woman's face and slides them down to rest upon her shoulders, giving them a slight squeeze. "Tell me why everything went to hell afterwards," she urges softly before Amanda can make another excuse to flee alone into the dark night. "What did Kevin do, sweetie?"

"What didn't he do, is the more appropriate question," Amanda mutters bitterly, one tear after another slipping steadily from those huge blue eyes and trailing wet pathways down her cheeks. "The day after we were together, it seemed like the entire school knew what had happened between us; something that I had mistakenly thought was private and sacred. I had a dentist appointment that morning and didn't arrive until lunchtime, and when I got there I was greeted by one of the cheerleaders calling me 'Easy Ass Amanda'. I didn't understand what was going on at first; why everyone was calling me a slut and a skank, until I found Kevin eating lunch with the football team in the cafeteria."

Olivia watches as Amanda rolls her eyes in derision, an obvious anger overtaking the sadness now, and the agony in her gaze hardening into rage. "It was the strangest thing I had ever seen; the nerdy boy I was in love with sharing a table with the football jocks who did nothing but make fun of him or outright ignore his existence. They were all staring at me like I had grown a second head, everyone pointing and laughing, and I almost turned right back around and ran from the room. But then I saw what Kevin was holding in his hand; what he was waving around in the air for the entire cafeteria to see."

"What was it?" Olivia inquires with a growing dread, watching as a pink blush of shame spreads rapidly over the other woman's pale cheeks.

"A picture from one of those old Polaroid cameras." Amanda's voice is a ragged whisper when she replies, the tears continuing to fall noiselessly down her face, and Olivia's eyelids flutter briefly closed as her heart clenches with pain for her co-worker, knowing what Amanda is going to say before she even speaks the words. "I didn't know that he had taken a photo of me after I had fallen asleep; a naked photo."

"Oh, Amanda, I am so sorry," Olivia answers softly, pulling the younger woman back into her arms once again and nestling the small detective into her chest while lifting the blankets up higher over their entwined bodies, trying to create a secure and comforting space for her.

"He looked so god damn _proud_ of himself, sitting there with all the jocks and the cheerleaders, like he was one of them," Amanda spits out in disgust, sniffling hard against Olivia's neck. "Apparently while I had spent the morning getting a couple of cavities filled, the most important person in the world to me had used that time to tell the entire school how he had screwed my brains out in my own bed the night before and had the picture to prove it, just in case no one believed him. And not only that, but he also told everyone that this had been going on between us since his very first day at the school; that I had thrown myself at him and begged him to sleep with me because I had no friends and nobody liked me, and that I was a whore just like my mother."

Olivia is utterly heartbroken for the younger woman who is sobbing in earnest against her neck now, the anger seemingly having left her system in a rush and leaving her a limp, deflated mess of tears and sorrow, the detective clinging onto Olivia like she never wants to let go. She knows that Amanda is completely exhausted like she herself is and is likely still experiencing the negative effects of her beer-binge after work, but despite the emotional devastation the detective is currently going through, Olivia is so glad that she is finally getting everything out into the open; that even though Amanda had trusted the wrong person when she had been younger, she is trusting the right one now.

"It's okay, sweetie, just let it all out," she soothes softly, rubbing slow circles into Amanda's quivering back and a tear escaping her own eye at the anguished sounds emanating from the other woman's mouth. "You've been holding so much inside for such a long time. You can talk and cry for as long as you need to, alright?"

Olivia feels Amanda nod against her neck and let out a deep, shuddering sigh like she is trying to get ahold of herself, wrapping her arms more tightly around the smaller form snuggled into the front of her body as she recalls hugging Mandy Fowler so closely in her bedroom and imagines Amanda at that age with no one to show her the love and support that she had deserved. As hard as she is sure it is for Mandy to struggle through her days right now, the teenager has caring parents and the entire SVU team behind her and is not alone in her pain, and Olivia's heart only aches that much more when she thinks of Amanda having to go through something so horrific all on her own; the dread piercing right through her again when she realizes that they haven't even gotten to the worst part of the story yet.

"I am so sorry you had to go through all of that," she says quietly, not wanting to let on that Amanda is no longer the only one who is crying now, and discreetly rubbing her cheek against her shoulder to rid herself of any lingering tears. "What happened when you saw the picture?"

"At first I was too shocked to even move," Amanda replies softly, sounding like she is firmly entrenched in the past once again as she continues to speak. "I couldn't believe what I was seeing and what I was hearing; that Kevin had actually done this just to fit in with the popular crowd, something I was so sure he never cared about. But then I just snapped and started walking toward him; I honestly wanted to beat him into a bloody pulp in that moment. He was dancing around with the picture in his hand, everyone laughing and cheering and calling me all of those horrible names. It was as if he had instantly turned into a stranger; like I didn't know him at all."

Olivia can feel the younger woman playing idly with the front pocket on her sweatshirt like she had been doing earlier, and reaches down to lace their fingers together, squeezing gently to urge her to keep talking.

"He must have seen the look in my eye, though, because he suddenly took off running," Amanda murmurs as she continues her story, squeezing Olivia's hand in return. "I chased him outside and caught up to him; wrestled him to the ground and ripped the picture right out of his hand, tearing it to shreds before giving him a black eye. I know that I should have showed it to someone because he would have gotten into trouble and maybe it would have prevented what happened next, but I just couldn't bear any more humiliation."

"Please don't blame yourself for any of this, Amanda," Olivia responds quietly, stroking her thumb back and forth across the back of the blonde detective's hand. "This is all on him and absolutely none of it is on you."

"Do you know that he actually came to my house a few weeks later?" Amanda chokes out in disbelief, tucking their joined hands beneath her chin as if she is in need of further comfort. "He was so remorseful, crying and pleading and confessing that he had only done what he did so he could fit in with the cool kids; so he would finally be accepted by other people besides myself, because apparently I was just a fellow outcast and wasn't good enough for him. He apologized over and over and begged for my forgiveness, but I told him to fuck off and that we were never, ever going to be friends again. I had endured weeks of insults and threats because of him; the entire school accusing me of being a slut while Kevin got high-fives in the hallways like he was some kind of hero. I just wanted him to leave."

There is a brief pause while Amanda seems to gather herself, pushing her body impossibly closer to Olivia's. "My mom and sister weren't home at the time but for once, I wish they had been there."

"Oh, sweetie," Olivia murmurs with feeling, biting her lip as another tear sneaks down her cheek and glad that Amanda's head is bent forward, the other woman curled so snugly into her chest that they are beginning to resemble one being. "Just take your time, okay?"

"He caught me completely off guard," Amanda whispers brokenly, the small detective huddling even further into her as she talks. "I was stronger than him; I could have kicked his ass if I wanted to, but I wasn't expecting him to do what he did and I just froze. He forced himself on me, saying he would make it up to me and that things would be better between us; that I had enjoyed it so much the first time and this time he wouldn't tell anyone we had been together and that he just wanted to make me feel good so I would forgive him. Apparently it was his screwed up way of trying to say sorry because his words obviously weren't working. He was desperate and crazy and just wouldn't listen to reason."

There is a slight pause in Amanda's recounting of what had occurred on that terrible day so long ago, her voice hushed and sad when she speaks again. "He pushed me down onto the floor of the hallway and I couldn't get back up until it was over."

Olivia is completely silent for a moment as she digests this information, not even bothering to wipe away the tears that are now streaming steadily down her cheeks and dripping into Amanda's hair, heartbroken for the woman who is now looking up at her with a curious frown as her own tears leave damp streaks across her face.

"Sorry, Liv," Amanda mumbles in what appears to be guilt and surprise, raising a hesitant hand to touch Olivia's wet cheek as she pulls away and sits up straight on the mattress. "I didn't mean to upset you like this...I shouldn't have said anything...I should just go..."

"Amanda, please stop," Olivia calls out in a somewhat alarmed tone as the blonde detective slips her legs over the side of the bed and gets to her feet, striding with purpose toward the bedroom door and leaving her quickly scrambling to follow in her co-worker's wake. "You really need to stop doing this."

"I've taken up enough of your time," Amanda says firmly as she whirls around in the hallway and they practically collide with one another when Olivia exits the bedroom in a rush. "You still have a chance to get a few more hours of sleep and I can go home and try to pull myself together before it's time to go back into the precinct and resume the case."

"Do you really think I could just fall right back to sleep after you walk out of here in tears because of what we've been discussing?" Olivia asks sharply, lowering her voice when she sees Amanda arch an eyebrow and take a slight step away from her. "And I need to know if I should be taking you off of this case, Amanda. If it's too much for you to handle, I need you to be completely honest with me. I'm concerned about you, sweetie."

Olivia's heart clenches painfully inside her chest when she sees the stricken expression cross Amanda's delicate features in response to what she has said and realizes that in her panic of the younger woman's sudden hurry to leave, she is jumping way ahead of herself to something that should not have been brought up quite yet; not when Amanda has just divulged her biggest secret and is so raw and vulnerable. Olivia scrubs her hands over her face in frustration and blames her total exhaustion and worry on her lack of proper judgment in how she is choosing to deal with her subordinate's confession, reaching out toward Amanda with the intention of pulling her co-worker back into her embrace.

Amanda sidesteps out of the way to avoid Olivia's touch and stands there on shaking legs with her teeth digging into her lower lip, staring at Olivia with wary, watery eyes like she is at a loss for words and is wondering how to proceed with things from here. "Please don't take me off the case," she finally breathes out in a choked whisper, her hands twisting nervously around one another as she speaks. "I need to see this to the end. I need to know that Mandy is going to be okay; that she's eventually going to get through this."

"I'm sorry, Amanda, I shouldn't have said that," Olivia acknowledges softly, holding her hands up in the air in a placating gesture as they gaze intensely at each other, trying to ease the crackling tension in the room. "It just slipped out because I can see how badly you're hurting and I'm concerned. I don't want to put you through more than you're capable of handling right now."

"Don't try to use this against me, Olivia," Amanda mutters fiercely as her blue eyes blaze with a sudden bright fury, her fists clenched down at her sides and her entire body seeming to shake with the immense effort of holding back any further emotions.

"I would never do that, Amanda, _ever_ ," Olivia assures her swiftly, a pang of hurt resonating deeply inside at the other woman's words and taking an uncertain step forward as she notices the detective wobble unsteadily on her feet.

"Are you alright?" she asks carefully, not wanting to get too close in case Amanda tries to make another break for the door, but needing to make sure that her colleague doesn't lose her balance and fall. "What's going on, Amanda?"

"I'm just really tired and dizzy," the smaller woman murmurs, raking her hands back through messy blonde strands of hair and reminding Olivia yet again of a teenager as she stands there in her wrinkled black T-shirt and ripped blue jeans, looking remarkably young and innocent in the dim lighting of the living room.

"Come here, sweetie; come and sit down on the couch with me," Olivia urges gently, holding out her arms again and relieved when Amanda doesn't back away this time. "It's okay."

She watches as Amanda shuffles slowly over to her and lets herself be enveloped back into her arms, both of them sinking down onto the cushions together and the younger woman letting out a quiet sigh as she tucks her face into Olivia's neck again. Olivia strokes her hair tenderly, a wave of guilt welling up within her at causing Amanda even more stress by suggesting that she be removed from the case and chiding herself for not being at the top of her game with this particular situation; her co-worker's intense and conflicting emotions throwing her for an unexpected loop and leaving her feeling just as raw and vulnerable as Amanda is.

"I know this is all so overwhelming for you right now," Olivia says softly as she rests her cheek against Amanda's head. "And I'm sorry for making things more difficult for you."

"I'm the one who's being difficult," Amanda mumbles in response, her fingers grazing the front pocket of Olivia's sweatshirt in a gesture that is quickly becoming a habit. "I'm just not used to this; to having someone who actually wants to listen to me...someone who actually cares. It's all I've ever wanted but now that I have it, it's kind of scary, to be honest."

"You have nothing to apologize for. Change can be scary sometimes, even if it's a good kind of change," Olivia agrees quietly, her gaze straying down to the white ink that is visible on the inside of Amanda's bare forearm and knowing there is still so much more that the other woman hasn't said; how she had survived after the rape by her best friend and what had become of Kevin.

Olivia still has so many questions but for now she decides to keep silent on the subject; to just stay there with Amanda cuddled into her side and relish in the peaceful calm that has fallen over the room now that they are sitting together again, eager to provide the comfort and safety that the blonde detective so desperately needs and something that she had been sorely lacking in her youth. There is plenty of time for further discussion throughout the remaining hours of the night and in the days to come as they continue to work their hardest to get justice for Mandy Fowler, but in this precise moment there is nothing else that has to be said.

Just like Mandy, the blonde detective was a victim but is now a survivor, and Olivia is committed to helping her through this current darkness; determined to be there for Amanda every single step of the way.


End file.
